I found this album recently, called “Aryuna’s HECKING Good Song Collection 2.” The songs are all sung in a cheerful, vocaloid voice, but the lyrics are disturbing. I found the dissonance fascinating, attractive. The songs are more powerful because of that – they stick with me because I couldn’t put it nicely in a box.

The first song in the album is called Sirenomelia. The lyrics are in 3 different languages. Because most of it wasn’t in English, after hearing the song I was very surprised to read the translation and find that it was completely not what I imagined. Indeed, the part in English is the most innocuous. Starting from

I’m a fish out of water,
not belonging anywhere.
Left behind with rain all over me,
The sun won’t smile on me.

it goes to (in translation)

I carefully pointed my knife at my tail.
I stabbed it and tore it apart, so that it can become feet.

and then

I’m drowning in a sea of my own blood and my tears.
It would’ve been better if I never lived.

To me this song is about trying to be something that you’re not. Society – the people around us – pushes us to be different from who we are. We change ourselves in order to fit in, to have “friends.” And sometimes we do it willingly, cheerfully, thinking that is the right “story”, and don’t notice that we are standing in a pool of blood until it’s too late.

One story is the little mermaid love story. But another story is that: Sometimes, a mermaid should stay a mermaid. So to all the mermaids & other fantastical beasts out there – be who you are. Don’t chop off your tail.


it’s gonna be a different world


I need to revise my timeline for strong AI by several decades/orders of magnitude.

Also write a novel before writers become obsolete?

This song captures my mood tonight:

Goodbye to spring

“when you wake it’s gonna be a different world”


  • Everything has changed. Go do Important research to mitigate existential risk.
  • Nothing has changed. Do what you love, defined as what you would do, if an AI is doing it 1000x better than you. Are you not doing that? Why not?

And more song parts:

I don’t know my purpose in this but it’s obvious it’s miniscule at best.

Time bending

I’m freaking out because we’re running out of time.

Swingset chain

Visiting a co-op

(from June 14, 2018)

I want this to be my new normal. The interaction with, the lifestyle of the people at _. The check-ins were amazing. I don’t feel like I’ve ever felt connected to a group of people like this in so little time. I love when a large group of people have one conversation, W said. Like this. Often large-group conversations fail because the conversation follows a random walk of topics that no one is super-interested in. But when you go around the table, and everyone’s attention is focused on the person who is speaking, and the speaker gets to just talk about whatever is on their mind, whatever is important or relevant in eir life right now… The prompts were, “What is alive for you right now?” and “What could life help you with?” It’s a lot like authentic relating and circling – and indeed it feels like the¬†right¬†version of authentic relating to me – like the other experiences have been near misses and this is on point.

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What is being romantic but following a feeling?

What is being romantic but following a feeling? And making life more interesting because of the pursuit of it? What is being romantic but putting stakes on things, really wanting things, so that the question of “is this good to do?” falls away and you’re just trying to attain your desire or your dream?

(Writing makes me more romantic. In a quiet sort-of way. I’m terrified of being emotionally empty. When people ask me how I think or feel about something, and I query my feelings and don’t find anything there – that is something I face. But having a world, story, character minds flow through me – it’s like spirit-water in the dreamworld, it’s like the difference between philosophical zombies and feeling humans.)

The moon is full tomorrow

(date: 8/24)

The moon is full tomorrow. The full moon and the new moon are times for reflection. When the moon wanes, do the things you want to get rid of in your life. It’s also the time to make offerings to the ancestors, food and liquor and burning paper money, all the things that they loved in life. You don’t owe them anything – the people who brought you into this world without your permission – give your token of respect and then follow your own desires. When the moon waxes, do the things you want more of in your life. Do this, and you’ll be better off than the people who don’t believe. It’s in all the traditions, Christian, Buddhist, native everything.

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– Stand on the shoulders of giants!

– But the world is more Lilliaputian. How about: be carried by many midgets.