Sirenomelia

I found this album recently, called “Aryuna’s HECKING Good Song Collection 2.” The songs are all sung in a cheerful, vocaloid voice, but the lyrics are disturbing. I found the dissonance fascinating, attractive. The songs are more powerful because of that – they stick with me because I couldn’t put it nicely in a box.

The first song in the album is called Sirenomelia. The lyrics are in 3 different languages. Because most of it wasn’t in English, after hearing the song I was very surprised to read the translation and find that it was completely not what I imagined. Indeed, the part in English is the most innocuous. Starting from

I’m a fish out of water,
not belonging anywhere.
Left behind with rain all over me,
The sun won’t smile on me.

it goes to (in translation)

I carefully pointed my knife at my tail.
I stabbed it and tore it apart, so that it can become feet.

and then

I’m drowning in a sea of my own blood and my tears.
It would’ve been better if I never lived.

To me this song is about trying to be something that you’re not. Society – the people around us – pushes us to be different from who we are. We change ourselves in order to fit in, to have “friends.” And sometimes we do it willingly, cheerfully, thinking that is the right “story”, and don’t notice that we are standing in a pool of blood until it’s too late.

One story is the little mermaid love story. But another story is that: Sometimes, a mermaid should stay a mermaid. So to all the mermaids & other fantastical beasts out there – be who you are. Don’t chop off your tail.

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Emotional residue

Once in a while I have these really emotional dreams. One thought or feeling gets drawn from deep inside my brain and in the one minute, or the thirty seconds that the dream lasts for, the feeling permeates my entire mind. Usually there isn’t anything momentous in the dream; all that matters is that I had the thought in the dream. I wake up with the thought. Sometimes I don’t even remember the whole dream, just know that it left me with a strong feeling. It can have a lasting effect for the rest of the day.

It’s weird. A conscious, lucid thought or feeling I have in a dream does something to my psyche that it wouldn’t if it were a thought I had while awake. It’s like, the thought has direct access to the deep, subconscious parts of my brain, and it just stains it immediately, like dye.

Thursday morning I woke up at 4am after a dream. In the dream I was telling my mom about how I missed M. I woke up with a great sorrow weighing me down. I felt awake, 清醒, not the least bit sleepy at all. I felt a great loneliness. I missed her so much. I couldn’t imagine not missing her, not being lonely. It was like my brain was normally many threads, but only one of them was running this time of night, giving me this feeling of pure sorrow.

I couldn’t sleep, so I recorded myself on my tablet, talking. I talked about how people are like points on this infinite-dimensional space of possible minds, and how distant we all are from each other in this vast space. How was it that the one person who was closest to me in this space had gone?

Eventually I fell asleep again. In the morning all the threads in my brain were functioning again, and the feeling had gone.